How to Be a Better Listener: What's Holding You Back and Principles to Follow

There’s a great line from Elizabeth McLeod in her LinkedIn Learning course, Leading Without Formal Authority:

“I'll let you in on a little hidden secret,” McLeod says. “If you focus on mindful listening, you can garner more authority without saying a word.”

And yet, many of us aren’t great listeners. Often, we fall into a trap of not listening at all or are just waiting for our chance to respond, instead of keeping quiet, paying attention, and listening to understand. Keep reading to learn why truly listening to someone can be challenging, and how to take steps to become a better listener.

Why being a good listener isn’t always easy

In the course Effective Listening, Brenda Bailey-Hughes and Tatiana Kolovou discuss some of the common challenges to good listening:

Getting distracted by internal noise. Listening attentively can be tough because our mental filters — shaped by past experiences, biases, and assumptions — sometimes distort what we hear, making it essential to “clean” those filters to truly understand and connect with others.

Multitasking. It might seem productive, but when it comes to listening, multitasking is a major roadblock. Focusing on someone fully, or letting them know when you can give them your undivided attention, is the key to building trust and avoiding misunderstandings.

Paying attention to delivery. It’s easy to get distracted by a speaker’s delivery — like filler words, mumbling, or even spinach in their teeth. But great listening means focusing on their message, asking for clarification when needed, and not letting these distractions keep you from truly understanding.

Getting overwhelmed with too much information. Information overload can derail your listening, but you can stay on track by focusing on the big picture or key details. Try keeping notes and ensuring they’re simple and selective, focusing on phrases over sentences and words over phrases.

Responding inappropriately. Even if you're a great listener, how you respond matters. Avoid making the conversation about yourself, criticizing, giving unsolicited advice, or focusing on irrelevant details.

Effectively listening to someone is about more than just hearing them. As India Gary-Martin shares in Nano Listening Tips for Leaders, “It’s about understanding emotions and perspectives,” she says. To fully listen to someone, you have to overcome your own barriers to ensure you’re staying present and absorbing the full extent of what the other person is communicating.

In her LinkedIn Learning course, Improving Your Listening Skills, leadership expert Dorie Clark outlines six cornerstone principles that will help you overcome these barriers and become a better listener:

The 6 cornerstone principles of effective listening

1. Give silence and space

This may seem obvious, but people need space to talk and silence from you in order to share.

That means giving someone time to talk and potentially asking for their opinion to help them open up. It’s also essential, of course, not to interrupt them.

2. Maintain eye contact

Eye contact shows someone you are engaged. Without it, people are much less likely to open up.

For instance, have you ever been talking with someone as they look all around the room? It can make you feel as if they’re looking for a way out of the conversation.

Conversely, if the person you are speaking with is making eye contact, it can make you feel like they are truly listening. And as a result, that will potentially make you much more likely to share what’s really on your mind.

3. Be mindful of your body language

If somebody is speaking to you and you are sitting with your arms crossed in a defensive manner, it can make someone feel like their words aren’t getting through. Or, if you are leaning forward aggressively or bobbing around in your chair, it’ll make them feel like you are just waiting for them to stop talking so you can respond.

So, do your best to sit still and have open body language when listening. “Because so many of us spend so much time at our desk,” said Elayne Fluker in Nano Tips to Improve Workplace Communication, “we don't realize that we may be conveying a closed posture or body language. For example, are you leaning your head on your hand while listening? This may convey lack of interest.”

4. Show empathy by sharing your own missteps and failures

The goal of listening is to understand someone else’s perspective. But if someone feels like they can’t trust you, they are unlikely to open up and share that perspective.

A good way to bridge that gap is by revealing your own weaknesses and failures to them. For example, if they are having trouble with a colleague, you can share a time when you had a similar challenge. Or if a project they led failed, tell them about a time you had a project fail.

Use this sparingly — the goal, after all, is to listen, not to talk. But if you feel like the person isn't saying what's really on their mind, this is an effective tactic to make them feel more comfortable.

5. Ask open-ended questions

This is advice you’ve likely heard before but it's worth reinforcing: Ask open-ended questions whenever possible, instead of ones that require a “yes/no” or abbreviated answer.

So, instead of “did the project hit its deadline?” or “what was the NPS of the event?”, ask something like, “what did you think went well?” or “how would you approach this differently next time?”.

“Yes or no questions are limiting,” Clark says, “and don't help the other person connect with you. Instead, make sure that you're allowing them room to elaborate so you can understand the reasons behind what they're saying.”

6. When you don’t agree, ask them to help you understand

When listening breaks down is when we don’t agree with someone. That’s generally when we tend to interrupt the other person and close off our minds to them.

Fight that by using these three words: “Help me understand.” If they are saying something that doesn’t make sense to you, have them explain how they arrived at that. This is when good listening is most important — by understanding views you initially don’t agree with, you'll expand your mind and better connect with someone.

“Before leaping to conclusions, ask for more data,” Clark says. “You might be surprised by what you discover.”

More best practices for effective listening

In their course, Effective Listening, Brenda Bailey-Hughes and Tatiana Kolovou share plenty of additional tips and listening behaviors to model. These include:

• Clarifying your role early. Whether someone needs advice, a sounding board, or help analyzing a problem, make it clear how you can support them early in the conversation.
• Paraphrasing. This simple tactic can help show that you're listening and confirm you’re paying attention and understanding what they’re saying by summarizing the speaker's message in your own words. It's a simple way to stay focused and on the same page.
• Matching and mirroring. Great listeners use this tactic — which includes aligning posture, tone, or pacing — to build rapport and show understanding. However, in tense situations, it's better to use open, calming body language to defuse tension rather than mirroring frustration.
  

Want to learn more? Check out Bailey-Hughes and Kolovou’s course for more advice, including ways to assess your current listening skills. Also be sure to watch Dorie Clark’s full course, Improving Your Listening Skills, to learn how to open up and better connect with your colleagues.